A Venting Blog

I'm tired.

I'm tired of feeling sick.  I'm tired of being sick.  I'm tired of aches and pains and things I can't even describe.  I'm tired of not being able to talk to anyone about them.  I'm tired of keeping my feelings inside.  I'm tired of people wanting things and not working for them.  I'm tired of worrying about my health.  I'm tired of worrying about my dog.  I'm tired of not getting support.  I'm tired of feeling alone.  I'm tired of being over weight and even more tired about talking about it.  I'm tired of having to think about what I eat.  I'm tired of having to do all the cleaning.  I'm tired of having to do all the cleaning again and again.  I'm tired of socks on the floor.  I'm tired of asking to take the garbage out. I'm tired of spending evenings alone.  I'm tired of tomatoes.  I'm tired of people inviting themselves into my space.  I'm tired of people taking me for granted.  I'm tired of being the one to suck it up.  I'm tired of being the nice one.  I'm tired of not being special.  I'm tired of being responsible.  I'm tired of not being about to cut loose.  I'm tired of snoring.  I'm tired of not being able to give these things up.....of not letting go.  I'm tired of praying and not praying.  I'm tired of having to think of others before myself.  I'm tired of not being me.  I'm tired of not having time.  I'm tired of a routine that doesn't work.  I'm tired of trying to find a routine that does work.  

I'm just so plain freaking tired.

F O R T Y

It's only a number.

Forty is the new twenty.

You're only as old as you feel.

Except lately I've been feeling like I'm falling apart.  I have the hypothyroidism to deal with.  I swore I wasn't going to go into my forties weighing as much as I do, but thanks to this little diagnosis my wishes and efforts just didn't work out the way I wanted.  I tweaked something in my back a month ago and now the pain comes and goes.  I have tendinitis which gets aggravated from random work...anything from housework to gardening.  Oh yeah, and then there's the sun allergy which prevents me from enjoying the outdoors.  I worry about everything.  I worry that worrying about things draws things to me.  And now I have convinced myself I have reached the age to which "breast health" is a bigger issue.

I cried on Hubby's shoulder tonight.  I sobbed and even then I couldn't let everything go.  He reminded me that there are plenty of people in worse situations than me.  I know that's true.  

I think being sick this week just messed with my head.  I was lonely and sick.

*shrugs*

This is not how I wanted to remember turning 40.

Do you remember two years ago?  I celebrated my birthday in the Minor Emergency Clinic.  I had an allergic reaction to something unknown and was covered in hives.

Good times.

LOL

A memorable birthday from my childhood is my 10th birthday.  I was able to sign out a ukulele from our school music class for the weekend.  This was terribly exciting to me.  It was also one of the last times I remember both Grandma and Grandpa Dean being there for my birthday.  They gave me a 10 speed orange bicycle.....you know, the kind with the curvy handle bars.

Last Saturday, my In Law's hosted a family barbecue.  We had hamburgers, coleslaw, cucumber salad, tomato salad and baked beans.  We sat in the yard in lawn chairs while different people ribbed me about turning forty.  When the weather cooled off we went inside.  There was a chocolate layer cake and a chorus of Happy Birthday.  I told them I was glad they didn't put candles on the cake because it would burn the house down!  Everyone laughed.  I received a gift of a fuzzy white blanket and a new set of drinking glasses which we desperately needed but had already bought for ourselves.  It was fun.  I felt appreciated by people who don't usually show those types of emotions.

Hubby tells me that my present might arrive late.  All I know is that it's arriving from Amazon.  We have reservations at an Italian restaurant for Saturday 5pm.  Il Salici boasts authentic Italian cuisine.  

I have it on good authority that they have cannoli!!!  Birthday Cannoli.  Happy Birthday to me!

This Blog has Been Dog-Jacked

Brandy approx. February 2000

Hi!  My name is Brandy~puppy the Super Dog.  I was born on November 11th, 1999.  In Canada, November 11th is Remembrance Day.  Dad calls it Novembrance Day.  Mom wanted to call me Poppy but Dad protested and said that was a silly name so instead I got named Brandy because when my fur coat grows out it turns a Brandy colour.

I've had a ruff year.  Last year I had throat surgery for Laryngeal Paralysis.  My ears are always stinky and itchy.  And in July I got an intestinal virus.  Mom worries about me all the time.  She doesn't like it that Dad doesn't worry enough.

Today I got to go for a car ride to the Central Animal Hospital.  I thought maybe we were going to the groomer but knew something was up when the car didn't turn the right way.  I got a little worried.  But then when we got to the doctors there was a black lab in the waiting room and I forgot about being worried.

There's weren't any cats there today.  Cats are my mortal enemy.

Dr. Powell put me on a table.  I had trouble standing because my paws are really furry.  I almost fell off once.  Dr. Powell looked at my eyes, ears and felt my tummy.  Then he tested the moisture in my eyes by putting these paper strips in my eyes.

I didn't like that.  I retaliated by pooping on his floor.

Dr. Powell says I have an ear infection.  I got medicine and ear drops.  He told Mom to clean my eyes with Saline like she uses to clean her contacts and recommended some eye drops that she can buy at Shoppers Drug Mart.  Dr. Powell said I'm in good health and can expect to live until I'm 17!

I think I really lucked out.  Dr. Powell said not to clean my ears!  HURRAY!  *wags tail*

We have to go back next Friday on Mom's Birthday Eve for a check up.

When we got home Mom gave me the medicine in a piece of bread.  Then she squirted the drops in my ears.

I didn't like that.  I retaliated by laying in the middle of the backyard until Mom learned her lesson.

That cookie sure did taste good when I came inside!  *wags tail* 

A baby picture for Auntie Andrea.  About 10 weeks old.

Rising From the Ashes

I've always had a different perspective of September 11th.  I tried to explain what that day means to me in a blog written 2 years ago The Day the World Kept Turning.  You see, September 11th is my Mom's birthday.  For several years these two occasions have left me with mixed feelings.  I have a sense of devastation and celebration.  It's very confusing to feel and explain.

I don't know when Hubby and I decided that we should go to New York for our spring vacation.  I don't think I always wanted to go, but it seems like I've wanted to travel there for what seems like five years.....maybe more.  I even tried to convince Hubby that we should go at Christmas time so we could visit Times Square and see the ball drop.  Instead, we found a great deal on Expedia shortly after Christmas this year and visited New York for 10 days over Easter.

New York is an amazing and incredible city.  We stayed in Queens just a short jaunt from the subway.  We decided to do all our travelling via subway or the foot-mobile.  It was the only way to truly experience the city.  I'd see people from all walks of life.  Everyone was eager to help giving directions.  I never felt like my safety was in question.  

The new World Trade Center construction.

Whenever we took a tour, the guide was sure to point out where the Twin Towers stood.  The gap in the skyline is obvious.  One tour guide said that no one should ever call it Ground Zero again.  He said that Ground Zero refers to a place of chaos and devastation.  When you look at the World Trade Center site now, there is rebirth.  The 9/11 Memorial is open and the new buildings are taking shape.  It is now a place of remembrance and hope.

On our final day of our trip we went to the 9/11 Memorial.  Visitors must book a time online ahead of time.  Then you go to the Visitor Center and claim your ticket.  You have a certain window of time to be there.  We were ahead of time so we visited St. Paul's Chapel where the firemen, policemen, and other responders took refuge in the days after the collapse.  

WTC 2 Reflecting Pool

There is an immense amount of security at most New York land marks.  At the 9/11 Memorial there is airport like security, but once cleared, the Memorial is breathtaking.  In each acre footprint there are reflection pools.  Around each pool, engraved in bronze, are the names of the victims.  It's very tactile.  You can touch each name.  Some of them look familiar from seeing them on documentaries.  What is most striking is the life the site is bringing to the city of New York.  The trees are growing, children are there laughing and just beyond the memorial the new World Trade Center building is taking shape.

I look forward to a time when the security restrictions are lifted and one can walk down the street and stop to gaze into the memorial pools.  I look forward to a day when I no longer dread that my Mom has to share this day with something so tragic.  Everyone deserves to move forward because the City of New York has found that courage for us and has risen from the ashes.

Postcards - The Staten Island 9/11 Memorial

Adventures in Dining

At the beginning of August I googled Saskatoon looking for some different restaurants to take Hubby for his birthday.  I found an excellent blog called Wonderlust and Words.  I found the name of two places to visit.  The Mardi Gras Grill and The Hollows.  Well that weekend of my Hubby's birthday was a long weekend and our timing was poor and it turned out that neither establishment was open.

Phooey.

We've driven by Mardi Gras Grill several times since then.  We've been checking to see if the parking lot is full.  But we somehow never found the time to stop.

Hubby took the day off work today.  He went out and about and attended to yard work while I did some chores inside.  Then around 3:30 pm I went outside and posed the question:  What do you want for supper OR would you like to go out for supper?  Out it was and off to Mardi Gras Grill we went.

It's located downtown on a busy street but the paid parking is ample.  It is housed in a building that was formerly a sports bar.  The outside has been painted and I'm sure the inside was renovated as well.  There are three photo paintings adorning the walls.  I over heard the waitress telling another patron that her aunt took the photo's in New Orleans but didn't like how they turned out so she painted pictures over them.  Genius!  They are the prefect decor.

There are both booths and tables with chairs as well as an outside patio.  There weren't many people there even though it was soon the supper rush.  We were brought a complimentary plate of corn bread.  I've had corn bread many times before and even made it myself but it never turned out like this!  It appeared and tasted like it was baked, then squared, then toasted or grilled.  It was tasty!


For an appetizer we ordered Fried Green Tomatoes.  Ever since the movie, it's something I've wanted to try.  "For Towanda!!!!!"  They were served with 4 giant shrimp, 6 slices of tomato and salad greens with a sauce.  Hubby ate the shrimp as they aren't my favourite.  I did love the tomatoes.  I would order that appetizer for a lunch as well.  It was great.

Hubby's meal was called Taste of New Orleans and consisted of Gumbo, Jambalaya and Etouffee.  He was given instructions on how to eat the craw fish.  This meal was enough to feed two people!  Hubby tried hard but couldn't quite finish everything.  Not totally being a seafood fan, I ordered the Pulled Pork Po' Boy with fries.  It was the most extraordinary sandwich I've ever had!  I ate the sandwich but couldn't finish the fries which were undoubtedly home made since they didn't resemble anything out of my freezer.

We were stuffed.  The waitress, who I found out is the wife of the chef asked if we wanted beignets.  I asked if we could get them to go.  She said yes.  So they were given to us hot but we were advised to keep the package open or they'd shrivel up.  The donut type dessert had powdered sugar and a dollop of blueberry preserve.  It's our midnight snack tonight.

It was delicious cajun creole cuisine just as promised and just what Saskatoon has been missing.

Summer Nights

I was sitting on the newly arranged love seat sipping my morning coffee staring out the picture window at the pouring rain.  The wind is gusting to 80 kms and Brandy can't go outside without becoming a wet soggy dog.  Even though today will only hit a high of 17*C, it made me remember.....

I was about 10 or 11, maybe even 12, and it was a hot hot evening in my parents house.  They didn't have air conditioning then and wouldn't until I was closer to 15.  It was the kind of sticky humid heat that made you uncomfortable to be inside and outside.  Mom and Dad had some kind of fan that often sat in the doorway of the front door.  You had to put water in it.  I don't know if it worked but I know that summer it got a good work out.

We had been somewhere, I don't recall where.  Maybe at my grandparents or just out for a drive as we often did that when I was a kid.....just to find relief sometimes.  It was about 11pm.  My parents had opened all the windows in the house and were sitting out on the front step because it had finally cooled down outside or at least it was cooler than being inside.

Magnum PI was on the TV.

.....and I was torn.  I wanted to watch TV but it was hot.  From inside the living room I could hear the murmur of my parents conversation  on the front step.  They encouraged me to go outside and I did go in and out a few times.  Mom thought Tom Selleck looked pretty good with that mustache and I always secretly thought maybe that's why Dad had a 'stache too.

On a night like that we sure would have appreciated rain like we're getting today.

It was also on a hot evening like that I'd see my grandparents car pull up outside.  They drove a '77 Grand Prix which would later become mine on my 16th birthday.  We'd all pile into the luxury sports car and head to Dairy Queen.  Mom, Grandma D and I would wait in the car.  I'd always get a hot fudge sundae while Grandma would get strawberry.   Thinking about it now and I can almost smell that new-car-grandparent smell.

My own parents are older now than my grandparents were then.

Such great memories from a rainy late summer day.

The Hood is a Changin'

When I first moved to Toon Town, I gave my neighbours nicknames because I didn't know their real names.  I had hopes that we'd be the kind of block that got together for parties and sat out on the lawn and had coffee and were friends.  None of that happened in the way I wished it would.  There was Neighbour Fred, The Rider Fans & Nice Neighbour.  I even blogged about them in another blog life.

Not all the original families are here.  Corrine was my immediate neighbour but moved away before we lived here a year.  There's been 3 families since Corrine.  Joel and Josie are the best next door neighbours we've ever had.  They do have parties and they do invite us.  Sometimes we go and sometimes we don't, but we always say hello and share our gardening tips over the fence.

Nice Neighbour is exactly what his name describes.  He's nice.  When he's outside working he'll wave.  He walks his little white dog and stops and talks.  He's told us he appreciates us as good neighbours.  He's chatted about our new fence and he's even said "Pop in for coffee, Dorothy and I would like it."  Dorothy!  That's the name of his wife!  Ten years later, I have no idea what Nice Neighbour's name is, but I always chat with him and I always wave back.

Next to Nice Neighbour is a new family.  I think they are Filipino and that's just fine.  There are little kids who ride bikes and play outside.  It's nice to see kids in the neighbourhood again.  There haven't been any for a long time.  So far, this family doesn't have a nickname.

Directly across from our house are The Rider Fans.  I called them that before I knew I was one as well.  They are better described as Tim Horton addicts though.  Whenever they leave, they always ALWAYS return with coffee from Timmies.  Yes, they still dress in green on game day, their little kids are clad now too, and so are we.

Next we have Neighbour Fred.  Hubby calls him Meticulous Neighbour because he is forever cutting his lawn or weeding or watering.  They've done a lot of work on their house.  Since we've lived here they've done a new gate, new driveway, and resided the house.  I'm sure there were renovations inside as well.....we just can't see them.  I've talked to Neighbour Fred up close a few times.  They've always been good and looked out for the well being of all in the hood.  I am thankful for that.

This spring Hubby was at work and was taking the elevator when a lady introduced herself as Cindy.  Here it turns out she is Neighbour Fred's wife.  Hubby had been working in the same building for 2 years in different departments.

When we first moved here their teenage boys would practise their skate boarding out on the sidewalk.  Brandy would bark at them. Then we watched them move away.  Now they return with little kids of their own.  It's the evolution of the neighbourhood  I suppose.

This evening I looked out the living room window.  There is a newly planted For Sale sign on the lawn at Neighbour Fred and Cindy's. 

It's sad to see a good neighbour go.  But on the up side, someone new will move in.  Maybe they'll be the sit on the stoop and visit type.  I'm hoping.