Let It In

I had wanted to write a blog about our 30th anniversary and the Christmas that followed our wedding.  Truth be told I don't remember lot's about the Christmas at Fredlund's house and feel like I should because most people in Hubby's family recall that as THE Christmas.  Maybe it was because I was so new to the family and it was just all overwhelming.  I'm not sure but when I think about it I also think about all the family members who aren't with us anymore and that reminds me that even though I've been trying to share all kinds of heartfelt things on this blog, the holidays are not full of happy memories for everyone and some people are living with celebrating a first Christmas without their loved ones.  We are also that family.

It's been a year.  That's all I can say.  2020 was a cakewalk compared to 2022.  Stay at home and bake brownies all the time while working from home?  Sign me up because back then everyone was well in my family and safe.  2022 was a year where I didn't dare ask 'what next' and kept saying over and over God will not give us more than we can bare.  

It's been a test of Faith.  When the pandemic hit, we stopped attending church like most people.  We keep saying we need to go back but haven't.  We've watched like many do on YouTube.  I know attending church is important but I also think praying in the quiet stillness of home is what's helped me endure.  I'm reminded that no matter how messy our life is, God is there to help us pick up the pieces.  And man, 2022 has been messy.

I've had to lean on a lot of people.  Of course my family and friends were there for us but it was my coworkers who probably should get an award for the amount of venting they've endured!  At the same time, wow, what special people they are.  They listened without judgement and it really meant a lot.  The ice cream cake for my 50th birthday, which should have been a fun day, was amazing but happened during a time of grief and misunderstanding.  The Moderators on ABC Rider Fans just took over when things got really tough and they listened and listened and listened some more.  It's because of all of these people that when the holiday sparkle was slightly ignited back in November, I decided to let it all in.

The Time I Sold My Soul To Retail

In what feels like another lifetime, I was a sales associate in a woman's clothing store.

Hubby and I had just built our dream house and I needed to supplement my income to contribute more to the mortgage.  Normally, I would take the summer off from teaching, but that summer I got myself a part time job at Cotton Ginny.  I shopped in that store.  I loved the clothes.  The people I worked with felt like family.

It was good that I had that part time job because when Hubby was transferred to Saskatoon my job at Cotton Ginny was able to transfer too.  I needed a break from teaching piano.  No one understood how burnt out I was but no one talked me out of working retail.  It was an easy job for me.  It was like shopping except I didn't have to buy the clothes!  I worked hard.  I was loyal.  I was told by the District Manager that what I did for the store did not go unnoticed.

My position was considered part time even though I had been getting full time hours.  What I didn't know when I transferred was that I had taken someone's spot who was on maternity leave.  This person, I called "Friend" and we worked together, but as I later found out, she held a grudge against me for taking over her position.  I had no idea all this was going on.  The manager.....it was a revolving door.....liked to play games.  She liked to try to make me look bad and she liked to do things behind people's back.  In my time working for the company there were 3 managers at this store and this one was the final manager.  I can't imagine she was a likeable person in other areas of her life.

That summer, the company began reorganizing.  We were told that they were creating an Assistant Manager position in our store and everyone else would be part time and given no more than 20 hours a week.  Imagine that!  After having full time hours.  What a kick in the butt.  What happened was I was pitted against Friend.  There were many things I did that were considered my responsibility that she didn't know how to do.  It was poor timing, but due to a family engagement I went on a weeks holiday.  When I returned, Friend suddenly knew all of these things.  Not only that, but she flaunted her new knowledge in my face.

We interviewed for the job.  Friend got the job.

Manager told me that she had wanted me to get the job but staff found me condescending.  Right.

So I gave notice and got an Assistant Manager job in the store across the mall hallway.  I worked there a year.  Being an Assistant Manager was a good and yet horrible experience.

I saw the Music School Director in the mall one time.  She said to me, "You're working here?  Come see me."  Well, that wasn't the immediate sign that made me go see her, but it wasn't long and I did.  It was obviously meant to be because a full time piano teacher had just up and quit.  I was immediately hired and given a full schedule of students.

I worked retail for 5 years in total.

I used to miss the comradery.  I liked chatting with shoppers.  I loved having a new wardrobe all the time.  I gained much more though.  I gained weekends and holidays off.  I gained a shorter work day with more money.  Most importantly I got my life back.

Cotton Ginny closed.  The company went bankrupt.  I saw Manager and Friend move from store to store within the mall.  Staff seemed to do that in search of a better job.

This whole experience happened about 8 or more years ago.  Today, I went shopping at that very mall.  Some of the stores have changed.  I was shocked to look in the Dawgs shoe store to see Friend hustling her butt in her retail way.  At another time, I might have stopped and said hello.  Not anymore.  I've moved on.  It makes me sad because I wish she could have as well.  If she was so determined she should have tried for something better.  I can't imagine....even fathom....still working retail and being the person I am now.  I know that teaching piano is what I was truly meant to do with my life.

My manager in my home town said to me, "You are better than this Sandra."  I didn't understand what she meant.

But now I see it.....

.....and she was right.

A Venting Blog

I'm tired.

I'm tired of feeling sick.  I'm tired of being sick.  I'm tired of aches and pains and things I can't even describe.  I'm tired of not being able to talk to anyone about them.  I'm tired of keeping my feelings inside.  I'm tired of people wanting things and not working for them.  I'm tired of worrying about my health.  I'm tired of worrying about my dog.  I'm tired of not getting support.  I'm tired of feeling alone.  I'm tired of being over weight and even more tired about talking about it.  I'm tired of having to think about what I eat.  I'm tired of having to do all the cleaning.  I'm tired of having to do all the cleaning again and again.  I'm tired of socks on the floor.  I'm tired of asking to take the garbage out. I'm tired of spending evenings alone.  I'm tired of tomatoes.  I'm tired of people inviting themselves into my space.  I'm tired of people taking me for granted.  I'm tired of being the one to suck it up.  I'm tired of being the nice one.  I'm tired of not being special.  I'm tired of being responsible.  I'm tired of not being about to cut loose.  I'm tired of snoring.  I'm tired of not being able to give these things up.....of not letting go.  I'm tired of praying and not praying.  I'm tired of having to think of others before myself.  I'm tired of not being me.  I'm tired of not having time.  I'm tired of a routine that doesn't work.  I'm tired of trying to find a routine that does work.  

I'm just so plain freaking tired.