You Can Change Any Time You Want

There’s a lot of pressure at this time of year to make sweeping and drastic changes to your life because of the ringing in of the new year. 

I’m here to tell you that not only do you not need to do that but also that you can change any time you want to. Just because a New Year is approaching doesn't mean you have to have everything suddenly figured out or accomplish everything on your to-do list for 2023.  

You don’t need to do it January 1st 2024 either. You can do it today. You can do it Jan 15 or July 15 for that matter. 

Here's something else that might blow your mind.  If you do decide to start, you can re-start too.

And you can do that as many times as you want or need.

You can make and re-make the to-do list.  We change and our priorities change and it can all happen in a split second.

In a blog post I wrote last year, called Diet is NOT a Christmas Word, I talked about letting go of diet hang ups and enjoying all the season has to offer, within reason of course.  I'm not going to preach about healthy eating habits or joining gyms instead I think these words sum it up well.  "It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back."  Mick Jagger said that.  I have no idea what it's in reference to but I'm fine not knowing because it serves me well just thinking about it.  I even have it as a quote in the sidebar of this blog page.

You have to give yourself permission to let yourself back.

We've all indulged over the holiday.  Sugar cookies, fudge, extra handfuls of M&M's while baking etc etc.....  I made the personal choice to just not worry over the holidays.  Do I want to be the miserable one wishing I could have the Nanaimo bar?  No.  However, just like I made that decision to not worry, I've also given myself the timeline to stop too.  Because in the same way that I don't want to be unhappy by having to decline Christmas goodies, I also don't want the feeling of how snug my pants feel.  The day I'm stopping?  That's the day my Christmas vacation is over and I go back to work.

We know that memories and food are tied together.  I remember one Christmas Eve we had a large family meal at my In-Laws and then went to the Christmas Eve church service.  We were so full!  We had to stand and sing and I recall looking over to my Father in Law because he too was struggling to sing and breath just like I was!  We decided to not do that again - the service not the food. Ha!

I also recall another Christmas where I had gotten pants as a gift and they didn't fit.  I went to the store in January and the size bigger didn't fit either.  Nor did the size bigger than that.  I felt so awful.  I was also unaware of how retailers are sneaky with their sizing.  Since then and working a stint in women's clothing retail I've realized the letters and numbers on the tag don't really mean a lot from store to store or within the same building!

Another friend, no not Mick Jagger, but Denny said to me many times ago, but I paraphrase... Christmas is 1 day out of 365 and not 365 itself.

Trying is the important part.  Will it be easy to have one snack instead of two?  Stop having the cream in my coffee or tea? Making sure I eat a fruit and a vegetable everyday?  You better believe I'm going to try though and try and try again.

In the autumn of 2020 I made the choice to try and be healthier.  T R Y.  I've made a lot of lifestyle changes since then which I'm very pleased with.  Times change and our bodies change and I am deciding to once again make health a priority.  I know that I have to exercise for my mental health as well as bodily health.  I know I need to keep track of my sugar, fat and fibre intake.  These are the things that have gotten me to 2023.

You can bet that I will restart many times.  It's fine if you do too. Starting or re-starting doesn't mean you've failed.  It means that you care enough to keep going.  Remember, failure is how the diet industry wants to make you feel and it's how they make money.  Words like "on track" or

"cheating" are words that fit into that category too.  Don't let them have power over your feelings.  Give yourself the power instead.

Fuel your body and mind. Nourish your soul. Make memories.  

Here's to all of us in 2024 and the changes we want to make or don't want to make.  We are all pretty amazing the way we are but I know, for my own self, that I can be an even better version and that's what I want to strive to be.

Double Dog Dare (A Cookie Review)

On Saturday night I poised a question over my social media pages.  I simply said, which do you prefer - Dare Viva Puffs Candy Cane Holiday Edition or Dare Whippet Mint Holiday Edition cookies?  Is there a difference?

I just stood in my walk in pantry examining the ingredient lists on both boxes of cookies.  The ingredients are nearly identical although some are not in the same order which would usually mean its a lesser ingredient since they are listed from biggest to smallest.  The Viva Puffs say "Chocolatey Coating" and the Whippets say "Sweet Chocolate".  Both cookies are peanut free although it's only the Viva Puffs that have it boldly printed on the box while the Whippets only have it on the side so it's not very noticeable.  The same can be said for being Canadian. Both are probably manufactured in the same plant and say they may contain wheat, soya and milk.  

Yes, Sandra, but what do they taste like?

This is my opinion remember and you have to decide for yourself.  I personally enjoyed the Viva Puffs more.  The coating is more of a milk chocolate flavour and the cookie base is more tender.  The candy cane flavour is minty but reminds me more of the more expensive candy canes which have a lighter more candy flavour rather than in your face cool mint.  The Whippet Mint cookies have a firm base and the sweet chocolate coating is a darker and harder chocolate.  The mint flavour is really minty.  The Whippet cookies also have bolder coloured marshmallows.  They are nice as well and unless comparing them side by side you'd likely not realize a difference although the difference of coloured chocolate is apparent.

That is until you are in the grocery store gazing and drooling over the cookie aisle.  A 300g box of Viva Puffs are $4.19 and the Whippets are $4.79 for a 285g box.  The Whippets cost more!  Each box contains 15 cookies but the Viva Puffs are a slightly larger cookie.  

A serving of each is 2 cookies so each box contains 7.5 servings. Who gets that 1/2 cookie?  Viva  Puffs (40g) are 170 calories and Whippets (39g) 160 calories, but remember Whippets are a smaller cookie.  So you are paying more for a smaller cookie.

If you are concerned about your pocketbook then the Viva Puffs are the better product to buy.  A box of Viva Puffs are 60 cents cheaper and a slightly larger cookie.

Which do you like best?  Which would you purchase?

I'm going to throw one more kink into the review.  If you want a more decadent treat, then look for a product by Tunnock's called Tea Cakes or Snowballs.  They are delicious and have real fresh marshmallow and no flavouring mint or otherwise.  The Snowballs do have coconut.  They are imported from Europe so harder to find and will be more costly however, one wrapped serving (6 in a box) comes in at 100 calories but a great way to enjoy a seasonal special favourite.  I found mine at a local store called Churchills British Café.

No matter what you decide, have fun with your own taste test and enjoy all with your favourite seasonal tea or coffee as you watch the Christmas lights twinkle this holiday season.

Diet is NOT a Christmas Word

Every day on my way to work I pass by a Tim Horton's.  I've noticed a sign advertising a new seasonal promotion but can't quite make out the phrasing.  So today I looked up the slogan online.  "There's Snowplace like Tims"  Cute.  Then I saw some of their holiday items...

Gingerbread Oat Latte 280 calories.

Candy Cane Hot Chocolate 390 calories

Gingerbread Chocolate Dream Donut 480 calories.

Holy smokes Batman.

Don't get me wrong - they look amazing, and you know what?  If you want one, then go for it.

It's coming on December, and this is the season where we are once again gathering and celebrating together.  There may be some pressure to look better than you have in a while.  I mean, during the whole pandemic some of us got a little loosy goosy with our dress codes.  Is Christmas really the time to decide to go on a diet?

No.  Absolutely not.  I am giving you permission to let yourself off the hook this holiday. 

This is the time of year where we bake all the cookies and family favourites and yes, I'm the weirdo scoping out all the shops for the best mince pies and while we are on that subject, why doesn't fruitcake have marzipan on it anymore?  Anyhow, when we're doing and making these things, why on earth would we tell ourselves we shouldn't have one or two?  We love them so much we only have them once a year?

Just because I'm giving myself permission and you as well, doesn't mean we can go hog wild and eat the box of chocolates stashed on the top shelf of the pantry which your husband probably doesn't know about.  What I am saying is that when we associate so many happy memories with food and especially Christmas food why would we not only restrict ourselves but make ourselves feel guilt over it.  The diet industry makes a load of money by telling us we should feel guilty over food, punish ourselves and that we should make resolutions and join whatever fad is happening.  Don't give them that power.

Me, taken December 2019

In case you don't know, and I'm assuming many do not, during the pandemic and summer of 2020 I decided to better myself.  I started with the app MyFitnessPal and recorded all my food choices in an effort to be healthier.  Within a month I'd lost 15 pounds.  When I realized what I was doing was working I wanted to make life long manageable changes, but I also knew that if I told myself I could never eat another cookie or brownie or whatever again then there was no point.  So, I gave myself permission to have those things but only if I stuck to the recommended servings.  So almost every evening since then I've had tea and 2 cookies.  Guess what?  I'm satisfied with those 2 cookies.  To date I've lost just under 90 pounds.

Me, taken November 28 2022

I'm not saying that works for everyone because it doesn't.  Boundaries are also important during this holiday season.  You stuffing yourself with your families cooking doesn't mean you love that family member more or less.  It's okay to say no, thank you.  We joke around about wearing our stretchy pants to Christmas dinner but it's so uncomfortable and many like me end up with bloated stomach aches afterwards too.  I once said something to the effect of, "yes I can let my pants out, but I can't let my stomach out" Everything in moderation but knowing when enough is enough is important too.

So don't start the diet now.  Remove that word from your life.  Who needs that negativity?  Spend the holidays making happy memories and by golly eat the donut and don't give it a second thought. 

Resolve to Evolve in the New Year

I set my alarm on my iPod to scroll "New Year New You....Get Up & Get After It."  I don't make resolutions anymore.  They just aren't realistic.  Over that past few years I've tried to evolve instead.  My list of improvements have included anything from live a more active life to read more books.  These are things that enrich my life and don't make me dread the changes in my life.

Since I gained this enormous amount of weight from the hypothyroidism discovery and all the other issues that seemingly went along with it I've battled food.  I don't smoke and I rarely drink so food is my only vice.  Food is not something you can quit.  I've continually tried to make changes to evolve the way I think about food and the choices I make.  Last fall, I downloaded the app MyFitnessPal which is also a webpage MyFitnessPal.com.  After a short time of logging my meals I was enlightened to some of the choices I was making.  I stopped using coffee creamer.  Oh how I miss the flavoured creamy coffee but at the same time I cut my coffee consumption dramatically.  I probably drank less than most people to start with but now I only have 1 cup of coffee in the morning and it includes Splenda instead of creamer.  Instead of drinking 2 cups of coffee at work....with the cream and sugar, I switched to a travel mug of hot cocoa.  I switched the bread I buy and started to create better dinner choices.

Then I got sick before Christmas and it all went out the window while the boxes of Christmas chocolates floated through the door.

Oh well.

A long time ago, back in July, I talked to my doctor about seeing a dietitian.  The appointment was supposed to be in November, I think.  The appointment was postponed because the dietitian had to stay home with a sick child.  That was all fine and good because all the time I was questioning my choice to do this in the first place.  Then my appointment was made for January 2nd 2013.  There is no better time!  Out with the Christmas me and in with the new me.

This lady was awesome!  We went meal by meal with me describing a typical breakfast/lunch/dinner etc.  I described my teaching lifestyle.  I told her the things I was already doing and the changes I was trying.  She praised me!  Dietitian told me to take small steps when it comes to exercise.  She gave me an "Action Plan" which suspitiously looks like the "Practice Commitment" I gave my piano students.  Dietitian said to make a commitment to do exercise for X number of days in 1 week for X number of time and see how it goes.  Then the next week make a new commitment.  Oh how I loved that!  We discussed how going to the community centre for classes didn't work because of my teaching schedule and how I'd much rather do things at home.  She said even a commitment to turn on the stereo and dance for 15 minutes was better than anything.  I'm pretty sure I can take that advice!

I felt like I could to talk to Dietitian for hours!  We discussed the pros and cons of processed things and simple little things like fat content in mayo.  She said that most people consume more calories from condiments than actual food because we think we're only using a tablespoon of something when it's actually a tablespoon or more!  Dietitian liked many of the choices I'm already making.  She liked my hot cocoa choice at work and suggested a light brand.  We talked about lentils.  Yes.  Lentils.  I came home with a Pulses cook book.

Unfortunately, we ran out of time.  Dietitian said I am on the right track.  She said to keep tracking my food and making the small changes I have been.  She gave me her card and told me that I could contact her in the future if I needed any additional help or advice.

I wish she was my best friend.

I am feeling very encouraged.  In 2013, I hope to continually evolve to, as someone said to me, so my outsides match my insides.

Dream Intervention

I think two people came together in my dream last night to hold an intervention.  Dieting and weight loss was on my mind because I had received my letter to see a dietitian although I thought it was a nutritionist and it turned out to be a workshop and not a one on one consultation so.....I was upset by it.

In my dream, my school director [Boss really] who has recently lost about 35 pounds and my coworker, Andrea, who has never had to diet in her life I am sure, confronted me about my weight.  Well, actually they were making fun of me.  They'd never actually do that.  They are both good people.  I was really upset with them and stormed off to the bathroom where sitting on the counter was a bowl of cereal.  Go figure.  Oh and the whole thing happened at my parents house.

Dreams are weird.

Today I realized that the Andrea in my dream was only a namesake.  I know another Andrea.  A very creative, loving, pet mama who shares many of my same concerns.  THIS is the Andrea in my dream telling me to get in shape.  Stop being a lazy bones.  Get ready for New York!

Shortly after I got my iPod I downloaded the app, MyFitnessPal.  It is also a website.  I never used it.  I downloaded it because I had noticed my Bosses Mom had also lost a significant amount of weight.  She mentioned the app to me and it just happens to be the same one Andrea mentioned to me about a year ago.  Ugh.  What can I say?  I downloaded it and never opened it.  Funny thing.....it's not going to work until you actually use it.

Well, I finally opened it.  OHMYGOD it's cool.  It keeps track of everything.  You can scan store bought foot via bar code.  You can store your own recipes.  It keeps track of exercise and makes suggestions and yes, it even said, smilingriderfan needs inspiration she hasn't logged in for 3 weeks.

ACK!

I don't know yet if I'm going to attend the dietitian workshop.  It coincides with my work schedule.  I've got to figure that part out.  In the meantime, I'm going to log my food and get a good idea of what I'm eating and then next week I'll add some exercise.  

I've got to do something so people stop showing up in my dreams.

Calories

No.  This isn't a diet blog.  In fact, it might be the opposite of a diet blog.  Last night I went to a restaurant called Calories for a going away party for coworkers.  This was not hosted by the school director and was a "gathering" instead.  There are actually about 5 coworkers/teachers who are not returning for the 2012/13 school year but this party was really only for 2 of them.
  

Calories is located on the artsy-fartsy street of Broadway.  Yes, there is a Broadway here and it's not even New York.  Broadway is known for places like The Bulk Cheese Warehouse, the Broadway Theatre, The Better Good, The Mad Hatter and so on.  I managed to find a parking spot at the end of the block and around the corner. 

I arrived on time.  I was the second person there.

I had made the faulty assumption that this was for dessert since the meeting time was 7:30.  I had my face fixed for their famed cheesecake.  But upon finding out others had not eaten dinner yet I decided to order a plate called Fromage.  Fromage was a tray of three cheeses, seasonal fruit, and a baguette.  The baguette was so tough it could have been used to take someone's eye out.  But the tray itself was a fantastic work of art.  I wanted to take a picture of it and I should have......but I didn't.  Fail.I had a Saskatoon Berry Lemonade for a beverage.  The waiter said "ohmygod it's so good."  So I thought I had made a good choice.  Others were having wine because it was Wine Wednesday and 20% or something.  The lemonade was good.

We had a table to ourselves in the back of the restaurant.....there were about 12 of us.  It was HOT.  Now, I know that my hormones are playing tricks on me and sometimes I don't feel the temperatures accurately......but man, oh man, I needed a fan.  Not cool.

About half of our group left around 9pm and I really should have too, but I wanted that cheesecake, dammit!  I picked out the Oreo Cheesecake.  It took what felt like an hour to arrive at the table.  Not cool.  The cheesecake was good alright.  But was it the amazing-OMG-you-gotta-go-here type of cheesecake?  No.  I was expecting mind blowing orgasms of cheesecake.  Didn't happen.  Cannoli....seriously....cannoli would have blown it out of the water.When I finally pulled away from the table and hugged my goodbyes it was 10:30pm.  I was so happy to be out on the street in the cool air.  The company had been fine but I was the oldest person there but by no means did I feel that old.  But the conversation wasn't even anything.....like.....interesting.....plus I couldn't hear everyone.  Ugh!  Once I was out on the street my immediate thought was "I'm too old for this crap!"  Also,  I just kept feeling like something was missing and several hours later....because the cheesecake kept me awake until 4am......what was missing was Hubby.  This experience would have been much better with Hubby and Hubby alone.  That's what made me feel most disappointed.

Today I found out one coworker who has been really great to me also isn't returning and I wasn't able to say goodbye to him last night as he didn't come to the farewell.  His classroom is next to mine and we've taught similarly as well.  I guess it's time for him to move on.  We can't all be fixtures....as I was reminded.....I am a fixture at the Academy.

Hope in a Jar

Have you ever heard of the face moisturizer made by Philosophy called Hope in a Jar? Well it is the name of a great cream.....I know because I use it. It made my skin feel good and soft and didn't make it all slimed up like some of them do. So when I saw a book called Hope in a Jar written by Beth Harbison I knew I had to read it. Of course, I thought that I would write a review of the book and in a way this is a review but the subject matter has changed from the story to how the it taught me a lesson just at the correct time in my life.

Allie joins Weight Watchers to take off the 20 pounds she's put on while being in an unsatisfying relationship. The torture she goes through while trying to avoid the scale is real – I know, I've felt the exact same emotions when weighing every Monday. But nothing is like the very first time, when you've sucked up everything you've got and removed every spec of clothing down to the earing's [because they too weigh something].....and you get on and you face the truth. I always squint. Somehow, if you narrow your eyes or glare at that bathroom demon.....it just might not be so bad.

Back.....several years ago, I had a flimsy scale with a dial. I could fudge my weight back then. If I hung my toes over the edge I weighed just a tiny bit less. It really didn't matter so much back then.....I did weigh less. Now, I have a digital scale. It is impossible to fudge the numbers. It is exact. It tells you right down to the ounces. It can even tell you your body fat if you want it do. Why would you want it to? As if finding out what you weigh isn't already bad enough. If it doesn't tell me what I want to hear.....I threaten it. I tell it I'm going to toss it out into the snow and drive over it with my Honda.

It's a love/hate relationship. I am thankful when it tells me I weigh less. So happy that I do the 'weight loss happy bathroom boogie'. But beware, if you find some broken bits of glass and metal in a snow bank in the road.....you'll know why.

The summer between grades 11 and 12 I worked at McDonald's. I ate there during breaks. I packed on weight at lightening speed. That autumn, I took up stationary bike riding and calorie counting. The extra 40 pounds came off quickly and easily. After I got married I again began to have a weight issue. I adopted the fashionable fat-free diet plan and re-bonded with my bike. I lost weight again quickly and easily.

After that, weight started to creep back on. Why? I was so tired of the battle. I was exhausted from having to work out all the time. I was sick of worrying about every spec of whatever I put in my mouth. I was angry at not being able to enjoy life. So I checked out.

One day in 2008 my sister-in-law talked to me about trying her program. You may know this part of the story and how I was to able to release 100 pounds. But what you may not know is that many of those old feelings resurfaced. Why is this last bit so hard to lose? Why do I have to watch so closely what I eat? Why do I have to try so hard? Why can't I just have that donut when I want one?

Because I can't.

I just CAN'T.

This is where the book becomes so important. 

 

Allie says, “I have to work that hard and that's all there is to it.” 

 

This is just the way it is. It comes down to this. If I want to live a long, happy, healthy, active life.....this is how I have to do it. I can't wonder about the other stuff. I can't dwell on what I can't have. There isn't any Hope in a Jar for weight loss. The hope comes from inside me. I am the jar.

It's Not the Number that Matters.....

.....it's not the number that matters.
 

How many times did I tell customers that back in my retail days? Multitudes of times a day. Does it make you feel any better?

Only if you close your eyes.

I went to Addition-Elle today. Its a division of Pennington's and Reitman's. I worked there for one month during that other time period in my life.....the one in which retail stole my soul. They specialize in clothes for sizes 14 to 24. Its been a long time since I've ventured through that door.

Still.....the number doesn't matter. If the clothes fit and look good and make you feel good in them.....then who cares what number is on the label? Its not like you're going to go around with a giant 20 in neon flashing on your forehead. Its very difficult when you have every size in your closet starting at a 12. Extremely difficult to admit this is where you need to shop. Again.

I also remember how hard it was to realize that I didn't need to shop in those stores anymore. It was an incredible realization that I had when I could walk into any store and fit clothes. It was a hard concept to come to terms with as well. My body image was out of “whack”.

This week I am in search of clothes for work. All I want are some things that fit. Things that don't give me muffin top and things I can breath in. Like I told the girl in the store today.....NOT Standing Up Pants. You know the kind.....the pants that look totally awesome until you sit down and they cut off all circulation. Call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure my students would appreciate me not passing out all the time.

I did not find pants today. I did come home with a sweater set and a casual shirt along with some matching jewelry. I tried on items in sizes ranging from 1X to 3X. And you know what? That number didn't really matter after all. I found things that fit and fit my lifestyle and I did feel good. 

 

I have come to terms with where I am now. This is the body I am living in at this point in time. I cannot change the present.....only my future.

At work on Thursday I talked with coworkers about my thyroid condition. “Bob” says “You look the same to me.” And I laughed. “That's because I just saw you on Monday!” I replied. But really what it is.....is that I'm beginning to understand that my circle of friends love me whether there's a big ol' X on my shirt or not. They look beyond it and see me. And if they can do that.....then I can too.

What a Picture Tells

There are many things going on in this picture.  I had broken the 100 pounds lost on this day and made Hubby take my picture.  I was going to the movies - the matinee of Twilight which I had read two weeks prior.  My hair was growing out which I was thankful for.....they told me the hair loss was from the dramatic weight loss but I suspected it was a bad dye job that made it break off.  When I look at this picture now, I think this was the start of my hypothyroidism.

A month later I am in extreme pain in my left arm.  My left leg swells and I have tingling in my right hand.  I go to the minor emergency.  I am told I just hit my arm on something [ no bruising ] and to stop wasting their time and am pushed out the door.

I continue in pain - convinced I am dying.  I can't wait to be done with the school year so I can have peace.  I live on ibuprofen forcing myself through each day.  I finally find Dr. Mitra Sexena who listens to me, runs blood tests and finds nothing wrong with me and yet she is suspicious enough to send me to a neurologist.  Due to waiting lists I won't see Dr. Vol for many months.....close to a year.  I spend the summer fevered, in pain and at home where sleeping and air conditioning bring me the most comfort.  I start eating off my diet.  After all, if I'm dying, I'm going with a kit kat in my hand.

By the time I get to see the neurologist the majority of the pain has subsided.  He proclaims me normal [ in spite of my laughter ] and sends me for nerve tests which also come back normal.  The only diagnosis:  a severe case of tendonitis.  He recommends rest and looking into one armed piano players.

I decide I am not dying.  I decide to get back on my diet and I am shocked and dismayed when I have gained 20 pounds.  I diet and exercise and take off 15 pounds.  Its really hard and slow and by that fall I go off plan again.

Last Christmas, I had  a sudden weight gain.  I chalk it up to too much Christmas indulging.  Most of my size 12/14 clothes are too small and 16's are getting really tight.  I get back on my diet.  For two months I am strict.  I diet.  I exercise.  By May my weight has continued to increase.  I feel disgusted, fat, depressed and exhausted of the whole battle.

When I look at this picture I still feel the sense of accomplishment.  I also feel sadness.  How was I to know my body was going to work against me?  Being diagnosed with a couch potato thyroid finally gave me answers.  Everything I did to lose the 110 pounds is now out the window.  That diet was soy based and I've now learned soy is my arch enemy and will react with the prescribed synthroid medication.  I have to relearn what a real healthy diet and lifestyle is for the new me.  I am now 50 pounds heavier than in this picture.  I am not angry.  I am relieved to finally have an answer for everything that has happened to me in the last 3 years.  Part of me wishes to have that one day back.  Before.  Before I lived through the hell that I lived through.  But now I know....and that is what this picture tells.

Note:

Hypothyroidism signs and symptom may include:

• Fatigue
• Sluggishness
• Increased sensitivity to cold/heat
• Constipation
• Pale, dry skin
• A puffy face
• Hoarse voice
• An elevated blood cholesterol level
• Unexplained weight gain
• Muscle aches, tenderness and stiffness
• Pain, stiffness or swelling in your joints
• Muscle weakness
• Heavier than normal menstrual periods
• Brittle fingernails and hair
• Depression
  

Warning: Does Not React Well to Pressure

The pressure to keep the weight off has become insurmountable.  When you are overweight no one has any expectations of you.  No one cares what you eat or how you look because you are what you are.  But as soon as you lose weight.....and a huge amount of weight.....people start commenting for good or bad.  For a while, you ride the high of good and happy compliments until those dissolve.  Then people start to test your will power and nerve until you give in - then you backslide.  Suddenly the pressure you never felt before surrounds every thought and permeates your very being.  Every one looks when you eat, gives you the "up and down" glance and whittles away at your diminishing confidence until old habits come back to haunt you.

You want to keep the weight off.  You want to really show them.  But its gotten so hard.  Every decision is a struggle and you find yourself wishing no one knew or watched your transformation.  Back before no one had any expectations and you had none of yourself. 

~I had nothing to lose but the weight.~

Now you've become your own worst enemy and judge as you can only see yourself as others might see you.  You've lost your true self.  The self that loved and laughed and enjoyed life and didn't feel consumed by food.  The more you struggle to focus the farther away you stride.

How do you find it again?  How do you do it again?  How do you make certain you want it more than anything and work for it as hard if not harder than you did in the very beginning?

You just do.

You make the choice every morning, at every meal and when tempted with any and every morsel.  You make the choice to fight and fight and keep fighting and one day.....maybe one hopeful day you'll stab that food zombie in the heart leaving you free and full of possibility again.

To All the Donuts I've Loved Before

To all the donuts I loved before
I ate so many, I barely fit through the door.
Yet I dream of you out on display;
chocolate, vanilla and sour cream glazed.

You and I need to have a chat.
You see.....you've made me fat!
These crazy circles of doughy rounds
Keep adding to me, pound by pound.

In the mirror I see
Just what you've done to me!

The end of our love affair is near.
Forgive me, but you seem to be stuck to my rear.

All of these unwanted pounds
Have left me with lines and frowns!
BEGONE!  I say.
This is not what I want to weigh!

I never met a donut I didn't like. 
But giving in requires more miles on the bike.

In shape is what I want to be.
Now just you wait and see.

It feels like spring, that is no lie
Watch me emerge, a lovely butterfly.

Tale of a Packet Litterer

Every day for the passed 365 days.....give or take a few.....I have opened my little white packets and mixed, stirred, soaked and shaked. Those little packets have been the answer to all my prayers.....except for the fact that there is a litter bug in my house.

I leave the kitchen only to return to find ripped open white packets littering the counter. There are cocoa packets, shake packets, oatmeal packets. What the heck? Whose doing all this? It's making for extra work for me! I have to collect all the open packets.....sometimes 3 at a time and toss them into the trash. One of these days I'm going to catch whoever it is that keeps messing up the kitchen and have a word with them!

It gets worse. While looking for my sunglasses in the the drink holder of my little blue Honda I found a wrapper. It was a wrapper for a caramel bar. This litter bug was following me around! I've got a case of a litter bug stalker!

At work, in my desk, I've found Splenda packets. The culprit must be someone who is very close to me....someone who I work with! I see these packets in the garbage in the coffee room and even in my classroom! How dare they? I'm determined to get to the bottom of this and with all this weight melting off my once over weight body it will be easier to track them down! They can run, but they cannot hide!

Once I even found an opened packet wrapper in my teaching bag! Yup! Right there in the front pocket of my “Crazy Music Lady” yellow bag was an opened packet......not even a trace of powder left. I looked for chocolaty finger prints so I could identify the culprit, but the litter bug was careful to not leave any!

I was dealing with a cool character. What was I going to do?

“I'm so tired of picking up after you!” Hubby complained one day. “You leave these packets all over the place!”

“Who? Me?” I gazed at Hubby who was holding up a strawberry shake packet. I tried to look as innocent as one could look while sipping on a strawberry shake.

Then I scanned the kitchen counter taking in all the packet carcasses.....I had found my packet stalker......how could I have known? She's got a terrific disguise! She's lost so much weight that she doesn't even look recognizable to me! 

**This was from several years ago when I lost a significant amount of weight on the Medifast program.** 

It's a Weighty Issue

I don't even own a scale. I used to, but I think it was broken because it never told me the right numbers! I was addicted to it at one time. I'd weigh myself morning, noon and night and sometimes more often. I always expected the numbers to be less or at least the same as the last weigh-in. When I started putting on weight, weighing myself became too painful. Why would I put myself through that? Why was I torturing myself? So I threw out the scale and haven't owned one since.

 

In Grade 3, Mrs. Mossman's class, someone came in with a scale.....the public health nurse maybe? I'm not sure. All the kids had to be weighed. I don't know why and probably as a kid I didn't really care. I do remember my number being more than others in the class even if it was in that silly metric stuff. I recall feeling bad and not understanding why. At an early age I was already associating the scale and weight with bad emotions.

 

I had tried to diet through out the years, but it wasn't until I was in Grade 12 that I took off a significant amount of weight. Of course, I wanted to look good for graduation. I probably lost 20 pounds and I gained self esteem, but there was always the comparison to others girls in my grade. I realize now that probably every girl there felt the exact same as I did.

 

Some people might say "oh, your mother must have been really weight conscious to make you feel this way." Honestly, that wasn't it. I never remember my Mom obsessing over her weight - sure she wanted to look nice, but.....no, she didn't influence me in that way. Mom was a great role model. She provided healthy meals and loads of support.

 

When I was in my 20's and took off some more weight I became really obsessed with the scale. Every trip to the bathroom required a weigh-in. Here is what I know now. I WAS what I was striving for all that time. I WAS slim, normal, pretty and everything I thought I wasn't. I know this now because when I look back at pictures of me I think "what did I have to complain about ?" I feel remorse for that person and I wish I could tell her what I know now.

 

I have spent lot's of time forgetting, ignoring, and stuffing the feelings down. I have wasted lot's of time not doing anything. Not doing anything has gotten me where I am now. Or, maybe, doing to much has gotten me here. At any rate, after not weighing myself for 10 years, I now have to face my demons and hop on the scale. On the Medifast program I have to weigh once a week - AND I don't even own a scale.

 

I fought it. I fought it hard. I don't want to weigh myself. I don't want to be attached to a number. I don't want to be obsessed again. But if this is what I must do to be healthy, to lose the weight once and for all then.....well, I guess I have to. CHANGE. So today, if you need me I won't be at home. I'll be at Walmart testing out the scales.

Size Zero

Here is a link to an article about Dawn Porter. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/6335077.stm

Dawn Porter is a pretty, stylish and average looking person. For reserch for this article she decided that over the course of 8 weeks she would do what ever she had to do to become a size 0. She never made it to the size 0 of her dreams because doctors begged her to stop. She lost 17 pounds and 50% of her body fat. She was also making her self ill. 

People told her that she looked terrific. Dawn had mixed signals in her brain. She knew what she was doing was dangerous and she felt horrible, but at the same time it seemed that she was more socially acceptable. The more she obsessed over these things the more depressed she was about herself. 

There was another lady on tv who was a size 0. She survived on breath mints....BREATH MINTS! Oh My God! She had a heart attack at age 29. Now she is a curvy girl in a size 18 and loving life. Now she is healthy.

Today on the radio, talk show hosts were talking about doctors now taking your waist measurements in an effort to make people lose weight. Now, I don't know about everyone else, but if my doctor pulls out a measuring tape, I'm gone. Out Of There! How demeaning is that going to be? Do they think we are stupid? Do they think that we don't know that it's unhealthy to be overweight? I don't think health professionals really understand what a struggle this is. 

I am not a size 0.....but oh, ya there is a 0 in my size! They said a healthy waist size for a female is 31 inches. Okay, so that's not me either. But if I had my wish I certainly wouldn't be built this way. 

I have been struggling all my life with my body image and size. When I was growing up there wasn't such a big deal about being a certain size. I just wanted to be thin. I wanted to have an easier time finding clothes that fit. The trouble was, and of course I didn't realize this until many years later, was that I was thin. I actually was all that time what I was striving for. Also, after working in retail I found out that most clothing manufacturers do not create clothes for womens bodies. And all this time making us feel badly about it.

In my efforts to curve my appetite I've lost sight of what real health is. I've done the SlimFast, the low fat, the bingeing, Atkins, Medifast and even just the Canada Food Guide. Now I just want to be healthy. I want to be active in my life. Yes, walking into a store and being able to purchase something not plus-sized is a dream. Most of all I want to be happy with my uniform - with what God gave me. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see no matter what. It's a work in progress.

My uniform right now is a little lumpy and sometimes it jiggles, but my husband loves me just the way I am. I'm trying to eat healthy foods. I don't drink [okey, maybe if it's been an especially bad day I will]. I don't smoke or do drugs [never have never will]. I'm trying to love myself. I'm trying to find a happy medium. I am not trying to be a zero. A zero is a big nothing and why would I ever want to be that? I am something and I love myself way too much to let anyone convince me otherwise.