Let It In

I had wanted to write a blog about our 30th anniversary and the Christmas that followed our wedding.  Truth be told I don't remember lot's about the Christmas at Fredlund's house and feel like I should because most people in Hubby's family recall that as THE Christmas.  Maybe it was because I was so new to the family and it was just all overwhelming.  I'm not sure but when I think about it I also think about all the family members who aren't with us anymore and that reminds me that even though I've been trying to share all kinds of heartfelt things on this blog, the holidays are not full of happy memories for everyone and some people are living with celebrating a first Christmas without their loved ones.  We are also that family.

It's been a year.  That's all I can say.  2020 was a cakewalk compared to 2022.  Stay at home and bake brownies all the time while working from home?  Sign me up because back then everyone was well in my family and safe.  2022 was a year where I didn't dare ask 'what next' and kept saying over and over God will not give us more than we can bare.  

It's been a test of Faith.  When the pandemic hit, we stopped attending church like most people.  We keep saying we need to go back but haven't.  We've watched like many do on YouTube.  I know attending church is important but I also think praying in the quiet stillness of home is what's helped me endure.  I'm reminded that no matter how messy our life is, God is there to help us pick up the pieces.  And man, 2022 has been messy.

I've had to lean on a lot of people.  Of course my family and friends were there for us but it was my coworkers who probably should get an award for the amount of venting they've endured!  At the same time, wow, what special people they are.  They listened without judgement and it really meant a lot.  The ice cream cake for my 50th birthday, which should have been a fun day, was amazing but happened during a time of grief and misunderstanding.  The Moderators on ABC Rider Fans just took over when things got really tough and they listened and listened and listened some more.  It's because of all of these people that when the holiday sparkle was slightly ignited back in November, I decided to let it all in.

No One Tells You

No one tells you the grief you that you will feel when your pet passes away.  People try to console you with hugs and thoughts and words like "it gets better with time."  It doesn't really help.  Everyone means well, but it doesn't change anything.  What could it possibly change?

It's been two months since Brandy~puppy the Super Dog went to Puppy Dog Heaven.  To say I miss her,
doesn't really tell you the story.  I know she was sick.  I know she was dying from the lymphoma.  I know she couldn't have lived much longer.  My heart still breaks thinking about it.  She was my best friend and making the decision to end her suffering is a decision I never want to make ever again.

The grief isn't about just crying and mourning her life.  It's small things.  It's not having to lock up the garbage.  It's no one to try to steal your blanket.  It's no one begging for the last bite of your sandwich.  It all becomes so routine that you don't realize it until you are about to toss the sandwich in the air that you realize she's not there to get it.  It's that moment that grabs you and clinches your heart.

With time it gets easier.  I don't think it's because you don't feel the grief.  I think it's because you just learn how to deal with the grief.  At first, people wanted to hug me.  A hug would bring on uncontrollable sobbing for a half hour so I refused hugs.  After a week, everyone assumed I'd be me again....be normal again.  But there is this big gaping hole that nothing else fills. 

When a person dies there are cards and flowers and people bring you food.  You know what happens when a beloved pet dies?  Nothing.  Sure people say things to you.  But nothing happens.  They make cards for these occasions....I know they do....I've seen them.  I didn't receive any.  I think that really hurts too.  Brandy was an amazing dog who never believed she was a dog.  Anyone who knew her would know that.  I certainly expected more from family and especially those who've lost pets before.  The family who did really care lived too far away to help us.  I don't know how a single person could go through this.

Gradually, Brandy's belongings have been cleaned and packed.  Some things got thrown out because they were wrecked or dirty.  I've filled her Groovy Dog dish with little red heart stones and put it on the shelf near where she used to eat.  Other belongings are waiting for me to assemble a shadow box when I have the time to do it.  We sold her kennel aka house a few weeks back.  It was sold to a woman who needed to train her dog.  Yesterday, I gave two dog dishes and a bandana to a student of mine who just adopted a cockapoo male puppy.

Even though we've been making these strides....she's still gone and we still miss her.  I mentioned to our contractor how our walls are covered with dog slobber.  He called that 'memories'.  We sure do have tons of those.  It's spring and the snow is just good for trying to scale the mountain of snow in the back yard or for traipsing through the mud and tracking it into the house.  Except there's no one to do it anymore.

And that's what no one tells you....is that your heart still breaks.