A Venting Blog

I'm tired.

I'm tired of feeling sick.  I'm tired of being sick.  I'm tired of aches and pains and things I can't even describe.  I'm tired of not being able to talk to anyone about them.  I'm tired of keeping my feelings inside.  I'm tired of people wanting things and not working for them.  I'm tired of worrying about my health.  I'm tired of worrying about my dog.  I'm tired of not getting support.  I'm tired of feeling alone.  I'm tired of being over weight and even more tired about talking about it.  I'm tired of having to think about what I eat.  I'm tired of having to do all the cleaning.  I'm tired of having to do all the cleaning again and again.  I'm tired of socks on the floor.  I'm tired of asking to take the garbage out. I'm tired of spending evenings alone.  I'm tired of tomatoes.  I'm tired of people inviting themselves into my space.  I'm tired of people taking me for granted.  I'm tired of being the one to suck it up.  I'm tired of being the nice one.  I'm tired of not being special.  I'm tired of being responsible.  I'm tired of not being about to cut loose.  I'm tired of snoring.  I'm tired of not being able to give these things up.....of not letting go.  I'm tired of praying and not praying.  I'm tired of having to think of others before myself.  I'm tired of not being me.  I'm tired of not having time.  I'm tired of a routine that doesn't work.  I'm tired of trying to find a routine that does work.  

I'm just so plain freaking tired.

F O R T Y

It's only a number.

Forty is the new twenty.

You're only as old as you feel.

Except lately I've been feeling like I'm falling apart.  I have the hypothyroidism to deal with.  I swore I wasn't going to go into my forties weighing as much as I do, but thanks to this little diagnosis my wishes and efforts just didn't work out the way I wanted.  I tweaked something in my back a month ago and now the pain comes and goes.  I have tendinitis which gets aggravated from random work...anything from housework to gardening.  Oh yeah, and then there's the sun allergy which prevents me from enjoying the outdoors.  I worry about everything.  I worry that worrying about things draws things to me.  And now I have convinced myself I have reached the age to which "breast health" is a bigger issue.

I cried on Hubby's shoulder tonight.  I sobbed and even then I couldn't let everything go.  He reminded me that there are plenty of people in worse situations than me.  I know that's true.  

I think being sick this week just messed with my head.  I was lonely and sick.

*shrugs*

This is not how I wanted to remember turning 40.

Do you remember two years ago?  I celebrated my birthday in the Minor Emergency Clinic.  I had an allergic reaction to something unknown and was covered in hives.

Good times.

LOL

A memorable birthday from my childhood is my 10th birthday.  I was able to sign out a ukulele from our school music class for the weekend.  This was terribly exciting to me.  It was also one of the last times I remember both Grandma and Grandpa Dean being there for my birthday.  They gave me a 10 speed orange bicycle.....you know, the kind with the curvy handle bars.

Last Saturday, my In Law's hosted a family barbecue.  We had hamburgers, coleslaw, cucumber salad, tomato salad and baked beans.  We sat in the yard in lawn chairs while different people ribbed me about turning forty.  When the weather cooled off we went inside.  There was a chocolate layer cake and a chorus of Happy Birthday.  I told them I was glad they didn't put candles on the cake because it would burn the house down!  Everyone laughed.  I received a gift of a fuzzy white blanket and a new set of drinking glasses which we desperately needed but had already bought for ourselves.  It was fun.  I felt appreciated by people who don't usually show those types of emotions.

Hubby tells me that my present might arrive late.  All I know is that it's arriving from Amazon.  We have reservations at an Italian restaurant for Saturday 5pm.  Il Salici boasts authentic Italian cuisine.  

I have it on good authority that they have cannoli!!!  Birthday Cannoli.  Happy Birthday to me!

This Blog has Been Dog-Jacked

Brandy approx. February 2000

Hi!  My name is Brandy~puppy the Super Dog.  I was born on November 11th, 1999.  In Canada, November 11th is Remembrance Day.  Dad calls it Novembrance Day.  Mom wanted to call me Poppy but Dad protested and said that was a silly name so instead I got named Brandy because when my fur coat grows out it turns a Brandy colour.

I've had a ruff year.  Last year I had throat surgery for Laryngeal Paralysis.  My ears are always stinky and itchy.  And in July I got an intestinal virus.  Mom worries about me all the time.  She doesn't like it that Dad doesn't worry enough.

Today I got to go for a car ride to the Central Animal Hospital.  I thought maybe we were going to the groomer but knew something was up when the car didn't turn the right way.  I got a little worried.  But then when we got to the doctors there was a black lab in the waiting room and I forgot about being worried.

There's weren't any cats there today.  Cats are my mortal enemy.

Dr. Powell put me on a table.  I had trouble standing because my paws are really furry.  I almost fell off once.  Dr. Powell looked at my eyes, ears and felt my tummy.  Then he tested the moisture in my eyes by putting these paper strips in my eyes.

I didn't like that.  I retaliated by pooping on his floor.

Dr. Powell says I have an ear infection.  I got medicine and ear drops.  He told Mom to clean my eyes with Saline like she uses to clean her contacts and recommended some eye drops that she can buy at Shoppers Drug Mart.  Dr. Powell said I'm in good health and can expect to live until I'm 17!

I think I really lucked out.  Dr. Powell said not to clean my ears!  HURRAY!  *wags tail*

We have to go back next Friday on Mom's Birthday Eve for a check up.

When we got home Mom gave me the medicine in a piece of bread.  Then she squirted the drops in my ears.

I didn't like that.  I retaliated by laying in the middle of the backyard until Mom learned her lesson.

That cookie sure did taste good when I came inside!  *wags tail* 

A baby picture for Auntie Andrea.  About 10 weeks old.

Rising From the Ashes

I've always had a different perspective of September 11th.  I tried to explain what that day means to me in a blog written 2 years ago The Day the World Kept Turning.  You see, September 11th is my Mom's birthday.  For several years these two occasions have left me with mixed feelings.  I have a sense of devastation and celebration.  It's very confusing to feel and explain.

I don't know when Hubby and I decided that we should go to New York for our spring vacation.  I don't think I always wanted to go, but it seems like I've wanted to travel there for what seems like five years.....maybe more.  I even tried to convince Hubby that we should go at Christmas time so we could visit Times Square and see the ball drop.  Instead, we found a great deal on Expedia shortly after Christmas this year and visited New York for 10 days over Easter.

New York is an amazing and incredible city.  We stayed in Queens just a short jaunt from the subway.  We decided to do all our travelling via subway or the foot-mobile.  It was the only way to truly experience the city.  I'd see people from all walks of life.  Everyone was eager to help giving directions.  I never felt like my safety was in question.  

The new World Trade Center construction.

Whenever we took a tour, the guide was sure to point out where the Twin Towers stood.  The gap in the skyline is obvious.  One tour guide said that no one should ever call it Ground Zero again.  He said that Ground Zero refers to a place of chaos and devastation.  When you look at the World Trade Center site now, there is rebirth.  The 9/11 Memorial is open and the new buildings are taking shape.  It is now a place of remembrance and hope.

On our final day of our trip we went to the 9/11 Memorial.  Visitors must book a time online ahead of time.  Then you go to the Visitor Center and claim your ticket.  You have a certain window of time to be there.  We were ahead of time so we visited St. Paul's Chapel where the firemen, policemen, and other responders took refuge in the days after the collapse.  

WTC 2 Reflecting Pool

There is an immense amount of security at most New York land marks.  At the 9/11 Memorial there is airport like security, but once cleared, the Memorial is breathtaking.  In each acre footprint there are reflection pools.  Around each pool, engraved in bronze, are the names of the victims.  It's very tactile.  You can touch each name.  Some of them look familiar from seeing them on documentaries.  What is most striking is the life the site is bringing to the city of New York.  The trees are growing, children are there laughing and just beyond the memorial the new World Trade Center building is taking shape.

I look forward to a time when the security restrictions are lifted and one can walk down the street and stop to gaze into the memorial pools.  I look forward to a day when I no longer dread that my Mom has to share this day with something so tragic.  Everyone deserves to move forward because the City of New York has found that courage for us and has risen from the ashes.

Postcards - The Staten Island 9/11 Memorial