Warning: Does Not React Well to Pressure

The pressure to keep the weight off has become insurmountable.  When you are overweight no one has any expectations of you.  No one cares what you eat or how you look because you are what you are.  But as soon as you lose weight.....and a huge amount of weight.....people start commenting for good or bad.  For a while, you ride the high of good and happy compliments until those dissolve.  Then people start to test your will power and nerve until you give in - then you backslide.  Suddenly the pressure you never felt before surrounds every thought and permeates your very being.  Every one looks when you eat, gives you the "up and down" glance and whittles away at your diminishing confidence until old habits come back to haunt you.

You want to keep the weight off.  You want to really show them.  But its gotten so hard.  Every decision is a struggle and you find yourself wishing no one knew or watched your transformation.  Back before no one had any expectations and you had none of yourself. 

~I had nothing to lose but the weight.~

Now you've become your own worst enemy and judge as you can only see yourself as others might see you.  You've lost your true self.  The self that loved and laughed and enjoyed life and didn't feel consumed by food.  The more you struggle to focus the farther away you stride.

How do you find it again?  How do you do it again?  How do you make certain you want it more than anything and work for it as hard if not harder than you did in the very beginning?

You just do.

You make the choice every morning, at every meal and when tempted with any and every morsel.  You make the choice to fight and fight and keep fighting and one day.....maybe one hopeful day you'll stab that food zombie in the heart leaving you free and full of possibility again.

Saskatoon Rock City

We have learned from past traffic jams - we are seasoned concert goers - that it is best to take a bus to the concert venue mostly to alleviate a certain driver's parking lot rage.  We catch the bus just a few blocks from home at the Confederation Park Mall Bus Terminal.  The KISS concert was no exception.  The other times we've done this, its been standing room only, but this time we lucked out.  Or maybe it was because no one wanted to ride with the Paul-Stanley-Wannabe. 

This ride was more eventful than the other bus rides though.  There had been a truck/semi accident that cut off the highway out of the city - the main route to Credit Union Centre.  Traffic was creeping along and down to two lanes.  The CUC is right beside Costco.....imagine if you were just going out there for some Costco buffet treats?  Anyhow, we arrived in plenty of time to wait for the opening act.

During this free time I was able to bond with the Lady Sitting Next to Me.  A spiky haired dude walked towards us.  Lady's Husband says, "OHMYGAWD, it's the statue of Liberty!"  If only I knew her name - I know we would be great friends.  I wonder if she likes donuts?

The opening act was BuckCherry.  Lady and I agreed we most definitely would not be running out to buy that cd.  They played entirely too long although the Two Girls who sat in front of us seemed to enjoy them.  But then they were the type who were in and out of their seats the entire time. [Washroom breaks?  Beer runs?  Smoke breaks?  I dunno]  This gives me a terrific topic for a future blog.....so be on the lookout for that one!

Moments before KISS took the stage there was a large amount of cheering as a group down below us entered the floor seating.  It was Shannon Tweed!  I'm pretty sure her sister and lot's of family were with her.....I didn't see if Sophie or Nick was there though.  The reason for this is that Shannon is from Saskatoon!  She turned and waved at the audience, paused for pictures and shook a few hands.  Then it was time for the real show.....

This was the best stage show I have ever seen.  It didn't leave me a ranting and raving lunatic like the Eagles concert did, but WOW!  There was amazing lights, pyro's and sonic booms.  There was a drum solo in which drummer Tommy Thayer complete with drum set lifted off the platform and the platform turned around.....all while he was drumming!  There was the moment that Gene Simmons spit fire and drooled blood then flew up into the rafters.  But the best part for me was this.....  Paul Stanley talked about being in Tim Horton's and said they have the best donuts!  He said that someone asked him what its like to be up on stage and he replied saying that sometimes he wishes he could be in the audience too.  That's when he said, "I'm coming out there with you!" and he jumped on a trolley and glided to the center of the arena to a rotating stage reminiscent of a 45 record.

After seeing an amazing encore we were able to find our bus to head home - a bunch of happy KISS concert goers with our ears a buzzin' from rock and rollin' all night long.

To All the Donuts I've Loved Before

To all the donuts I loved before
I ate so many, I barely fit through the door.
Yet I dream of you out on display;
chocolate, vanilla and sour cream glazed.

You and I need to have a chat.
You see.....you've made me fat!
These crazy circles of doughy rounds
Keep adding to me, pound by pound.

In the mirror I see
Just what you've done to me!

The end of our love affair is near.
Forgive me, but you seem to be stuck to my rear.

All of these unwanted pounds
Have left me with lines and frowns!
BEGONE!  I say.
This is not what I want to weigh!

I never met a donut I didn't like. 
But giving in requires more miles on the bike.

In shape is what I want to be.
Now just you wait and see.

It feels like spring, that is no lie
Watch me emerge, a lovely butterfly.

The Day the World Kept Turning

Through my early morning grogginess I could hear the newscast. My brain was foggy and just before I moved to slap the snooze mutton I heard the following:

A plane has hit the world trade centre.

There were no details – just the phrase and it didn't make any sense in my sleepy head and I finally reached out to push snooze.

Ten minutes later, the radio alarm sounded again and this time I did wake up - Wake up to confusion – that is. The radio still had no details as I quickly got ready for my retail day. It was another time and place. Once ready I descended the stairs to the main floor of my dream house. I switched on the television to more confusion. It took the clues from the radio and TV for me to comprehend some kind of story of what had happened on that beautiful sunny autumn day of September 11^th, 2001.

I phoned Hubby who was working.....commuting weekly.....an hour and a half away. “A very bad thing has happened.” He said leaving a pause. “I can't talk right now.”

I called my parents after that.

I left for work at the Gateway Mall. Everybody was talking about what happened and trying to make sense of it all. Mall traffic was really low and sales were slow. The UPS man brought us our shipment and he gave us an update from the news. There was someone from the bookstore who brought in a printout from a Nostradamus book.

What you have to understand is that September 11^th has a different meaning to me. Yes, this was a horrific event in America's history and it left our souls forever changed. Yes, I felt immense sadness for the lives lost. Yes, it was incredibly shocking. But for me and my family September 11^th is a day of celebration. It is my Mom's birthday.

That evening at my parents house CNN was on TV and we kept watching the buildings fall. It was all so overwhelming. And here we were to celebrate a birthday. We turned it all off. We ceased talking about it. We opened presents and ate birthday cake just as we would on any other birthday.

Ever since I have mixed feelings on this date. This big bad event happened and amongst the sadness, remorse, and guilt we kept living. We kept living while other lives were abruptly halted. The world grieved as others lived. On that September 11^th, 2001 there were babies born, anniversaries celebrated and family birthday parties held.

Its just a date. A date that so easily could have been September 10^th or September 12^th.....but, no, it wasn't – It was my Mom's birthday.

This year, as we remember the anniversary of those lost in that terrorist attack, also know that for many the world did not stop.....know that it kept revolving.....and keeps turning.....on that beautiful autumn day.

Tastes Like Chicken

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck.....is it a duck? What if its something else? What if it's Maxwell Smart's shoe phone? Or something else in disguise? Remember not everything is as it seems.

One night a few weeks ago.....or was it months.....I was watching an episode of the No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency. It's patterned after the books and is a very cute show to watch if you ever have the chance. Anyhow, the office was broken into and the thief had taken the Banana Stapler. I thought, “Gee, I'd like a banana stapler.” But then I thought some more.....why would I want something that looks like something else? I mean, what if I got hungry and gnawed on my stapler? Seriously, why would I have the need for an item that looks like another thing?

~ A donut by any other name would taste just as sweet. ~

In the mail today, I received an advert from McDonald's. It was showing the new Rolo flavored iced coffee. I said, “Wow, I wanna try that!” But I gave it a second thought – Why not just eat a Rolo? - I mean, the small coffee advertised said it was 120 calories. How many Rolo's could one eat for 120 calories? According to Google.....yes, I Googled.....there are 27 calories in one single Rolo. So you could eat 4.5 Rolo's. Huh. I admit that if I.....ahem, not me [as my health coach would be out to get me], but rather a hypothetical human bean were craving both a cup of Joe and a Rolo at the same time that person might be willing to fork over a Toonie for the said luscious drink.

~ Your chocolate landed in my peanut butter! ~

Or was it the other way around? Missed it by THAT much! Anyway, someone somewhere obviously thought the world needed that combo. And, I thank them. But what about pizza flavored Cheeto's, chicken flavored potato chips or chocolaty cocoa puffs? If we really wanted pizza, chicken or chocolate.....why don't we just eat it? Why does other food come disguised as the things we really want?

Because we've fooled ourselves into thinking its healthier. They are wolves in sheep's clothing.

Worse yet, what's happened is our taste buds have gotten so accustomed to eating these mock foods that we've forgotten what the real thing tastes like. We have Taste Bud KAOS. In some cases, that's a good thing. I used to crave chocolate badly. I yearned to forget what it tasted like. I've worked hard to remove it from my voCADBURY.

Okay, so I did think that nanner stapler was pretty cute. AND, I did find a totally awesome donut USB drive on the interweb. Once upon a time I did have a notepad that looked like a sandwich. Is it a desk or a buffet table? We're not sure. 

Quack.....quack.

Yesterday is the New Today

I thought of this topic one day last week. I heard of some up and coming musician who is planning on doing a remake of a hit song from the 80's.....only in a hip hop style..... and I thought to myself first, “Shoot me.” and then “man, doesn't anyone write original songs anymore?” That thought was still floating around in my head today when it was Retro Day in the CFL, while watching my 1960's clad Roughriders get thumped the title for this blog whipped into my head like one of Anthony Calvillo's passes. Yesterday is the New Today. But before I donne my classic 80's shoulder pads and back comb my hair, let's have a serious look at just how NOW the good old days are.

Monday is the anniversary of Neil Armstrong's 1969 walk on the moon. “One small step for man, one giant step for mankind.” Back then, what did people think the year 2009 would be like? Even Star Trek.....the original was based in the year 2000. Did we really think that we would be able to beam from one place to the next? Did we dream that a black man would indeed be in the white house? That Beatles would invade North America?

So humour me. Pretend that you are a time traveller. You've hopped in your DeLorean and travelled from 1960 to the present day, arriving first thing in the morning for me to greet you. I take you with me, in my little blue Honda, as we go throughout my regular routine. First we'd take a trip to Starbucks.....and not on the Battlestar Galactica either. I'm sure that would be enough to send you packing since you wouldn't be sure what all these newfangled drinks are. You'd be totally freaked out by cell phones not only going off all the time but from the noisy songs they scream out at you.....you'd be jumping back in that DeLorean and searching for that information highway faster than a barista can froth cream.

They say that if you were born after 1980 there are several things you won't know life without. One of them is the VCR. Gosh, I remember when our family first brought ours home just in time to record Thriller on the Saturday afternoon video show. What about the microwave? I don't even remember how I cooked back before there was a microwave. And what about computers? In 1960 they took up entire rooms and now they fit right in our back pockets doing everything from taking pictures to recognizing our phone numbers with the tone of our voice.

Yup. Times have changed haven't they?

Sure life was a lot simpler back then. Even in the 80's which were really my growing years. We were more innocent. We looked to the future for advancement. We knew our neighbours names and were more active people. We valued family time and it didn't involve seeing who the best drummer was on the Wii. We are more efficient at our jobs now. That's one of the best benefits from all these new technological thingies. Imagine what your work would be like writing everything by hand and sending actual mail. The only issue is that we have become so much more productive at our jobs that we don't get all that extra free time that we dreamt about in the good ol' days because now we have twice the work load just to help us earn that five dollar latte we need to get going every morning.

Things are different aren't they? I supposed that's why its fun to look back. I guess that's why it makes us happy to reinvent our favourite things from the passed too. They say that there is a natural cycle to everything and what is old will become new again. So don't throw out those tie dyed shirts or bell bottoms.....and you just might wanna hold onto those 8 Track tapes too because you never know when yesterday will be the new today.

Wishful

I turned my head to gaze out one of the three windows of my living room. For the moment it was quiet and peaceful. It was early evening and the sun was glancing off the lilac tree situated at the corner of my neighbours house across the street. All at once, my sensations were flooded and memories came rushing back and I realized, I was wishful.

We won't be going anywhere this summer. There aren't any fantastic across border plans happening. This year, this summer we will have a staycation. I am teaching Friday mornings and Hubby is changing jobs. Neither of us is going anywhere.....at least anywhere far away. Nope, this summer will be filled with back yard barbecue, summer reading and the noise of the city.

And I am wishful.

Who am I anyway? Once upon a time, I hated to go anywhere. It's lot's of work to pack up the camper and take off for the weekend. You need to grocery shop. You need ice. You need bug repellent.

We used to go almost every weekend. By the time Hubby was off work Friday, I would have the camper packed and ready to go. We'd hop in our green Ford truck which hauled our camper and towed our little red boat behind which inevitably would break down AGAIN and we'd get to Piprell Lake or Anglin Lake or once even Morin Lake just in time for a wiener roast. It would always be cooler at the lake. By sun down you'd need your bunny hug and warm socks.

Thinking about it.....I could almost smell the campfire.

So wishful.

Don't get me wrong! I love my little corner in the city. I love my little house and my little yard. I love that they are building a new Walmart Supercentre right here so I won't have to drive to the south side anymore. I have great neighbours..... But there's that nagging feeling. That feeling that it would be so much more relaxing somewhere else.

I am NOT a tenter. Back when I was a kid, my family camped in a tent. We had fold up cots to sleep on at night. Soon, my Dad thought it would be more comfortable for us if we were up off the ground. So he turned his utility and tent into a tent trailer. We were camping in style! Then Dad had to put it up once too many times in the rain. The family got a camper. That was something else! Who needed to cook over the fire anymore when you were equipped with a stove and fridge? Eventually, Dad upgraded to a motor home and donned the personalized license plate UP N GO. That's the evolution of camping.

Once back when I was about 10 years old…..maybe even younger…..we were camping in that homemade-fold-’em-up-tent-trailer and it was the middle of the night.  I was asleep as you can imagine one would be in the middle of the night, when my Mom woke me up.  “Wake up and be quiet…..there’s a moose outside.”  How much quieter can one be when said person is asleep?  Indeed there was a moose outside.  And you could hear him chomping.  We must have parked amongst his midnight snack buffet table.

Another time, when I was not so child like, we were camping and heard rustling in the woods, or maybe it was the sound of a large animal running down the gravel street.  At any rate, it was not a sound any human could make.  We had been gathered around the campfire swapping fish stories when this sound occurred.  I looked at my Mom.  My Mom looked at my Dad.  We all looked at each other and made a mad dash for the motor home.  That is, all except Hubby who had failed to hear the sound we heard.  He didn’t know what had happened to make us high tail it inside so quickly.  We had left the poor guy in the dust wondering what the heck had happened!

We always had our share of mishaps when we were camping.  Something always went wrong with our boat trailer.  It was always needing repairs.  On one of Hubby’s and mine maiden voyages we locked ourselves out of the truck camper during a rain storm.  Then there was the time that the support on the tent trailer broke and we hauled the picnic table over and propped that end up with oars from the boat.  There was the time that the spare tire rolled out of the wheel well during the night making me think a wild animal was charging the camper.  And there was the time that a bear left us his calling card by rubbing up against the truck camper and leaving scuff marks.

Yup.  Good times.

Snap.

Crackle

Spark!

That’s the sound of the campfire under the stars and northern lights.  It’s calling to me.

And I am wishful.